“You would have been 14 today, a wise man, soaking up every porous spore of my heart.”
“You would have been 14 today, a wise man, soaking up every porous spore of my heart.”
It’s that time of year, the time of year where my baby’s angel day is approaching. I’ve felt depressed and sad this week, and I have been back in that mental state where I’ve been beating myself up again.
How could I have this… how could I have not done that… I was the one who made him sick… I hate myself.
These thoughts, are dark, they aren’t pleasant, yet, here I am 3 years later, feeling sad, feeling, rundown.
I’m taking a class on small animal diseases, and there’s a discussion assignment this week, and you basically choose an article about an infectious or non-infectious disease, and I saw an article about hepatic lipidosis, which is what Monkey was diagnosed with. I chose this topic to write about for my class, and I pretty much had a breakdown today.
Reading about the symptoms just brought me back to that place, where I could see the symptoms so clearly as if he were sitting sick next to me. And then,
I should have done this, I never should have done that… repeating in my brain.
I started to cry and weep and I held his little box with his remains close. I haven’t done that in forever.
Progress, and life is not linear. When you lose someone you love, and you laugh again, and you gain perspective, and you gain insight and wisdom, and then out of nowhere, or as the calendar continues to turn, you’re hit with those feelings and emotions again, and you get down on yourself for not feeling better or being better or whatever peace is.
In my heart, is my love for Monkey, and I carry that with me, deeply, and I protect that love. Sometimes, the pain and self-loathing returns, and I wish to turn it away, but I realize that some days are better than others, and I know it’s better to have loved and to try to make meaning of a terrible situation, then to keep your heart closed off from the world.
Today marks my 1st anniversary of being a volunteer at my local humane society. I can’t even completely express what that means, but I know that it means a lot to me.
I remember what sparked my interest in becoming a volunteer. It was shortly after Monkey crossed the rainbow bridge and I was having a difficult time and crying a lot. A friend of mine also had a pet cross over the rainbow bridge and we were both crying together and I said, “How lucky these boys are to have so much love. Have someone to cry over them so much. All of those pets in the shelter, they have no one to cry over them.”
Well, I became that person to cry over them. And I quickly realized that those pets in the shelter receive so much love and care and people who fight for them.
People have this stigma about animal shelters, that it’s sad and they look away, they don’t want to talk about it or think about things that are sad. You just can’t look away. Because if you look away, you miss that love from an animal, you miss the kindness in their eyes, you miss their unconditional compassion, you miss the beauty in the human and animal bond, you miss what pure resiliency is.
Monkey, I started doing this because of you. If you hadn’t given me so much love, I wouldn’t have this much love to share. Some cats there remind me of you, and that makes me happy.
It’s an interesting and continued journey when you lose someone close to you. A journey that we all must face one day if you’re lucky enough to have at least one special someone in your life.
At the beginning of my journey, I had so many overwhelming emotions that I had a difficult time navigating. And at this point, 2+ years later, I am incredibly grateful.
That special little cat, that special little being, that I ask myself, how I ever ended up deserving, taught me so much about love and what to do with that love when he was no longer there. I continue with my volunteering every week and understand on such a deep level what a profound impact an animal can have on your soul, that I give back to these animals, these animals that aren’t mine, because I know how special they are, and how much they are deserving of that loving home, and how hopefully they can change someone’s life, like mine was changed.
I’ve learned, to no longer look away when something is discomforting. When you are forced with nothing else but to look something straight in the face that discomforts you, and know that you must look there, it teaches you to not look away.
This week I read about someone who abandoned an emaciated dog in a canyon near my house, and as gut-wrenching as it is to read about that, and as much of an impact it plays on my mind, I know, that I cannot look away. You can’t look away from the things that stir your soul.
My love, this is just one of the gifts that you have given me.
I love you so incredibly much and am grateful for the gifts you continue to bestow upon my life.
Yesterday, was my baby’s 2nd anniversary of his angel day, and it was different than my previous one. Last year, I felt so accomplished even making it to that first year mark, as the first year without my love, was so incredibly difficult. Possibly even the hardest year that I had ever faced. This year, I took all of that pain, and gratitude, and turned it into something positive. I spent my morning (and early afternoon) spending time with the homeless cats at the humane society. There was one cat there, that captured my heart, and when the once anxious boy was purring and drooling in my lap, I couldn’t help but feel a connection and feel the tears welling up in my eyes. If it wasn’t for you, my love, I never would have been able to get this place. To have the undying desire to honor you, and share the love that you had bestowed upon me to others. I brought gifts to the cats at the shelter, in your honor, and I also brought my time and compassion. I wore your pin so proudly on my apron and was so grateful to know that I was doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right place. To bestow service onto others, in the memory of someone you love, is a truly beautiful gift, and to you my love, I will always be grateful.
My love, the second year of us being apart in the physical form is almost here. The second anniversary, of the best and worst day of my life. The best, because I had one more day with you. The worst, because it was the day you left my side, in the physical realm. I don’t cry every day anymore, but I remember you, every day. The beautiful gifts that you brought into my life, with your sweetness, your big heart, your simplicity. I miss you so much, and I don’t think that I will ever stop missing you. My life is different now, but I promise you, that you will always have a place in it. Every day, I honor you and share the love that you gave me with those that need it the most. Thank you, for making me the person I am today.
My love, it’s coming, the 2-year anniversary of the day you left my side. I hate that it’s been almost 2 years since I was with you. You’re always in my heart. I love you so much.
Today, while standing in the lunch line at work, a colleague commented on my tattoo of Monkey. He asked what the cat was holding if it was a moon. I replied that it was a banana. He looked at me bewildered, like WTF a banana. He then said, oh, I couldn’t tell, it almost looks like he is crushing the moon. I said no, it’s a banana, it was his favorite toy.
“Oh, I take it he isn’t alive anymore?”
“No, he isn’t.”
WTF dude. I know that tattoos are out there, on my skin, for everyone to see, but if you are going to comment, at least not fucking be awkward about it. It made me forget the visibility to the public the love that I have for Monkey, and that in that display, it could put me subject to awkward conversations.
But for you my love, I’d have 100 awkward conversations over. The public display of my love for you is forever, until the day I die, and we can meet again.
Last night, I slept with your bunny. I hadn’t slept with him in a while. When I held him close, it felt warm, secure, instantly familiar. This morning, when I awoke, your bunny was there. I put him on top of my pillow. He looked alive, fluffed up, and happy. Just the way that I like to remember you.
This past weekend, my boyfriend & I went to Comic-Con. This year, was the first year that we had a hotel room down south, closer to the convention, about 3-4 trolley stops away. The trolley stop of our hotel, 8th street, was about a 10-minute walk from the hotel. Once boarded, we would pass Pacific Fleet. Then Harborside. Then Barrio Logan. Barrio Logan. I thought to myself, I think that’s where Smoochy was found. Looking at adoption papers, there it was, the zip code 92113, Barrio Logan. Smoochy’s stop 🙂