Adoptiversary

Another anniversary is approaching, and this time it’s Smoochy’s adoptiversary. I think back to early this time last year, a time when I was still grieving, a time where I was ready to let another love into my life, and a time where uncertainty and anxiety occupied most of my mind.

I’ve gone through such a transformative journey since then, and am so incredibly grateful to have Smoochy be a part of our family for nearly a year. The day that we brought him home, was a day that I’ll never forget. The journey that we took, to get here, is remarkable. Getting to know Smoochy, calling him Monkey at first, and the constant comparisons. Monkey used to do this. Monkey never did that. In my early grief, I read many books about loss, love, losing your best furry friend, and sometimes a theme that came up was reincarnation. Would Smoochy be Monkey reincarnated?

No, I don’t believe that Smoochy is Monkey reincarnated. He’s his own little dude. He likes to do things that Monkey didn’t. He’ll watch me shower, he’ll knead on his frog pillow and nurse, he’ll sit atop chairs like he’s on a tree branch. In so many ways he’s different. At first it was hard. Having this little boy here, who wasn’t Monkey. I was resentful, and I felt guilty about that.

Then at some point I realized, that this little boy needed me. He was young, abandoned by his mother, or who knows, alone, by himself. Sometimes I wonder what happened to him. But what I know now, is that he needed me, as much as I needed him. And together, we’ve been able to love again. Loving, and never forgetting.

I love you Smoochy. Thank you for helping to heal my heart.

Old Times

This week, my BF was out of town. He doesn’t go out of town without me much, and the introvert that I am, was very much looking forward to time alone. Time alone. Before my time alone was spent with Monkey. Monkey always was there for me in times of loneliness, he was always by my side. I found myself with similar feelings as to when I was alone, but Monkey wasn’t there. Well, not by my side, but that special little boy, will always be in my heart. Reminding me of old times, and there in my heart to keep me safe and warm in the present.

Your Love for Someone will Never be Measured in Facebook Comments

Let me start by saying, that I only go on Facebook for work these days, as I manage our social media. The shitty thing is that you have to connect a personal account in order to be able to manage the work account. So, usually I’ll see one top comment or post in my feed by default, before switching over to work.

Yesterday, at the top of my feed, I saw a recent post from an old co-worker/friend, someone that I hadn’t talked to in years. He had a heartbreaking post about his dog, who I had met and spent time with when we hung out years ago, who was suffering and reaching the end of her life. For some reason, I was instantly moved and connected by reading about this. There someone else was, standing on the edge of what I once had, with a furbaby about to cross the rainbow bridge, and my heart was open and heavy reading, reliving, and having dark daydreams.

I wrote a heartfelt comment on his post, and then remembered back to when I had done the same. On the brink of everything changing, I remember too, posting on Facebook. Measuring the love, pain, and affection by the number of sad and heart emojis and comments. Only X amount of comments? My love and pain exceeded far beyond that. Your love for someone will never be measured in Facebook comments, likes, whatever the fuck they have going on.

Shortly after, I gave up Facebook. Dismayed by the fakeness of people saying, “Oh, I’m here if you want to talk.” And then, silence. Am I reciprocating what I experienced to my friend? Am I just going to disappear? No, I won’t. At the very least I can share remember me Monday, where you light a candle in honor of your lost furry friend. But what after that? I don’t know, and I’m not sure that I have to figure that out right now. All that I do know, is that my heart has been forever changed with the loss of my best furry friend. And buddy, I’ll never forget you. And old-friend, this is going to be one of the hardest things that you ever go through, but I promise you, your special love you share will never die.

Birthdays

Monkey’s 12th birthday is coming up in less than a week. I think about his sister, who is still alive and doing well… I think about his birthday last year, which was the first birthday without him, when my boyfriend and I shared a very special memorial for him. I think about the year before, which was my last day at my job I held for 6 years, so I wasn’t able to spend as much time with him as I usually do. I think, I reflect, I miss. I guess it’s probably normal to be thinking of your loved one more so than usual when a special day approaches, like their birthday. While I have some ideas on how to celebrate my love’s birthday. If there is anyone out there reading this, what have been some things that you’ve done, to celebrate a loved one’s birthday who has passed?

Intertwined

This morning I had a work call that wasn’t going well. Near the end of the call, as we exchanged cordial thank yous and goodbyes with the vendors on the phone, one of the vendors said, “Give Monkey a hug for me.” Frozen. Startled. Like I had seen a ghost. Quickly coming to mind that this vendor must have Googled me or found some indication that Monkey was my cat online, I said, “I will.”

I later realized that on my work’s “team” page that on my bio it said that I love spending time with my cat, Monkey. Ok, so his stalking wasn’t severe. But still. An extremely personal piece of my heart, my soul, my life, was out their for some awkward vendor to see. I asked my work if I could change my bio immediately.

Sure, I had thought of updating my bio before, but, leaving that there, was evidence, proof, existence that I had this cat named Monkey, that I loved so incredibly dearly. Removing it from my bio would signify that… that this was over. That he was gone. I know what you’re thinking, but he’s been gone for over a year now, but yet, some ties, I still hadn’t wanted to give up.

When you love someone or something, and you share your life together, everything becomes intertwined. Their being, their presence, is fabric that is woven throughout your life in places that you might even forget about. Maybe that’s an honor. To love someone so deeply, that even after they leave your side, that even over a year later, you find yourself still tied to them.

Monkey, I will give you a hug. The biggest hug that my heart and soul can possibly send to you. Removing you from my bio page at work, won’t remove you from my life. Physical things may change or fade away, but you, loving you, and all of our sweet memories, will never leave my life or my heart. This I can promise.

Releasing Grief

Around my angel’s anniversary, I decided to release the grief that I’ve been holding on to for the past year. As the year unfolded, there were unbeknownst triggers that occurred, to cause me to spiral into intense feelings of despairĀ and sadness. It felt easier, to hide under the blanket of grief. It also for some reason or another made me feel close to Monkey. Like the grief, I was holding onto was the last emotional connection that I had with him. But, I know, that I don’t have to hold onto grief to feel close to Monkey. I can choose to think of him fondly, talk about him, and remember the sincere and pure love that he blessed my life with. Some days, I feel pale and muted tones of grief that reappear, but I can say now that I acknowledge those feelings, and then release them into the universe. The universe where my angel rests.

Anniversary

Today, marks the 1st anniversary, of my love’s angel day. I’ve been anticipating this day, maybe even feared it, but more importantly on this 1st anniversary, am filled with love in my heart, for my angel, Monkey. This year has marked something that I thought impossible… making it 365 days, without Monkey by my side. But, he hasn’t left my heart for a single day or moment. He comes with me everywhere, because he is always in my heart, and always on my mind. While this year has been full of transformation, depression, anxiety, self-hate, hope, love, grief… the rollercoaster of it all, I stand today, with my head over my heart, full of gratitude for my best friend of 10 years, Monkey. I love you buddy and am so grateful for all of your love and wonderful memories. I treasure our time together, closely. I love you so much, my special one.

Angel Day

In shortly over a month, will be the 1st anniversary of Monkey’s angel day. Greif that has dulled & subsided is now seeming to bubble up again. The feelings of loneliness, like nothing, can be right, of missing him, are resurfacing. I flipped through pages of my journal from earlier this year and I found so much love, tear-stained pages, and I was taken back to that initial hole in my heart. There was a point that I knew the exact number of days since Monkey left my side, and somewhere around 100 days, I lost count. And now, soon, I’ll be able to count again.

The Greatest Discovery

The greatest discovery of my year has been that true, pure, love with an open heart, doesn’t fade away. If anything, it grows stronger. Every day, I think about Monkey, and every day, I have love in my heart for him. I think of him fondly, wishing that he was still by my side, being my faithful companion. Sometimes, I feel a tug on my heart, and I know that it’s him. Living a life without him was something that I couldn’t bear to do… it was something that I was forced to do. I resisted for so long, of giving into a life without him… how could I ever betray him like that? What changed… is the pure suffering I had in my heart. Resisting, this new life without him. Finding a way to incorporate a new way of living with him, and continuing to love him, has been, very helpful for me. Often times, I will kiss his picture before leaving the house, and I am blessed to continue to have his love in my heart… for all time.