My love, the second year of us being apart in the physical form is almost here. The second anniversary, of the best and worst day of my life. The best, because I had one more day with you. The worst, because it was the day you left my side, in the physical realm. I don’t cry every day anymore, but I remember you, every day. The beautiful gifts that you brought into my life, with your sweetness, your big heart, your simplicity. I miss you so much, and I don’t think that I will ever stop missing you. My life is different now, but I promise you, that you will always have a place in it. Every day, I honor you and share the love that you gave me with those that need it the most. Thank you, for making me the person I am today.
My love, it’s coming, the 2-year anniversary of the day you left my side. I hate that it’s been almost 2 years since I was with you. You’re always in my heart. I love you so much.
Another anniversary is approaching, and this time it’s Smoochy’s adoptiversary. I think back to early this time last year, a time when I was still grieving, a time where I was ready to let another love into my life, and a time where uncertainty and anxiety occupied most of my mind.
I’ve gone through such a transformative journey since then, and am so incredibly grateful to have Smoochy be a part of our family for nearly a year. The day that we brought him home, was a day that I’ll never forget. The journey that we took, to get here, is remarkable. Getting to know Smoochy, calling him Monkey at first, and the constant comparisons. Monkey used to do this. Monkey never did that. In my early grief, I read many books about loss, love, losing your best furry friend, and sometimes a theme that came up was reincarnation. Would Smoochy be Monkey reincarnated?
No, I don’t believe that Smoochy is Monkey reincarnated. He’s his own little dude. He likes to do things that Monkey didn’t. He’ll watch me shower, he’ll knead on his frog pillow and nurse, he’ll sit atop chairs like he’s on a tree branch. In so many ways he’s different. At first it was hard. Having this little boy here, who wasn’t Monkey. I was resentful, and I felt guilty about that.
Then at some point I realized, that this little boy needed me. He was young, abandoned by his mother, or who knows, alone, by himself. Sometimes I wonder what happened to him. But what I know now, is that he needed me, as much as I needed him. And together, we’ve been able to love again. Loving, and never forgetting.
I love you Smoochy. Thank you for helping to heal my heart.
Around my angel’s anniversary, I decided to release the grief that I’ve been holding on to for the past year. As the year unfolded, there were unbeknownst triggers that occurred, to cause me to spiral into intense feelings of despair and sadness. It felt easier, to hide under the blanket of grief. It also for some reason or another made me feel close to Monkey. Like the grief, I was holding onto was the last emotional connection that I had with him. But, I know, that I don’t have to hold onto grief to feel close to Monkey. I can choose to think of him fondly, talk about him, and remember the sincere and pure love that he blessed my life with. Some days, I feel pale and muted tones of grief that reappear, but I can say now that I acknowledge those feelings, and then release them into the universe. The universe where my angel rests.
Today, marks the 1st anniversary, of my love’s angel day. I’ve been anticipating this day, maybe even feared it, but more importantly on this 1st anniversary, am filled with love in my heart, for my angel, Monkey. This year has marked something that I thought impossible… making it 365 days, without Monkey by my side. But, he hasn’t left my heart for a single day or moment. He comes with me everywhere, because he is always in my heart, and always on my mind. While this year has been full of transformation, depression, anxiety, self-hate, hope, love, grief… the rollercoaster of it all, I stand today, with my head over my heart, full of gratitude for my best friend of 10 years, Monkey. I love you buddy and am so grateful for all of your love and wonderful memories. I treasure our time together, closely. I love you so much, my special one.