That Time of Year

It’s that time of year, the time of year where my baby’s angel day is approaching. I’ve felt depressed and sad this week, and I have been back in that mental state where I’ve been beating myself up again.

How could I have this… how could I have not done that… I was the one who made him sick… I hate myself.

These thoughts, are dark, they aren’t pleasant, yet, here I am 3 years later, feeling sad, feeling, rundown.

I’m taking a class on small animal diseases, and there’s a discussion assignment this week, and you basically choose an article about an infectious or non-infectious disease, and I saw an article about hepatic lipidosis, which is what Monkey was diagnosed with. I chose this topic to write about for my class, and I pretty much had a breakdown today.

Reading about the symptoms just brought me back to that place, where I could see the symptoms so clearly as if he were sitting sick next to me. And then,

I should have done this, I never should have done that… repeating in my brain.

I started to cry and weep and I held his little box with his remains close. I haven’t done that in forever.

Progress, and life is not linear. When you lose someone you love, and you laugh again, and you gain perspective, and you gain insight and wisdom, and then out of nowhere, or as the calendar continues to turn, you’re hit with those feelings and emotions again, and you get down on yourself for not feeling better or being better or whatever peace is.

In my heart, is my love for Monkey, and I carry that with me, deeply, and I protect that love. Sometimes, the pain and self-loathing returns, and I wish to turn it away, but I realize that some days are better than others, and I know it’s better to have loved and to try to make meaning of a terrible situation, then to keep your heart closed off from the world.

Continued Gifts

It’s an interesting and continued journey when you lose someone close to you. A journey that we all must face one day if you’re lucky enough to have at least one special someone in your life.

At the beginning of my journey, I had so many overwhelming emotions that I had a difficult time navigating. And at this point, 2+ years later, I am incredibly grateful.

That special little cat, that special little being, that I ask myself, how I ever ended up deserving, taught me so much about love and what to do with that love when he was no longer there. I continue with my volunteering every week and understand on such a deep level what a profound impact an animal can have on your soul, that I give back to these animals, these animals that aren’t mine, because I know how special they are, and how much they are deserving of that loving home, and how hopefully they can change someone’s life, like mine was changed.

I’ve learned, to no longer look away when something is discomforting. When you are forced with nothing else but to look something straight in the face that discomforts you, and know that you must look there, it teaches you to not look away.

This week I read about someone who abandoned an emaciated dog in a canyon near my house, and as gut-wrenching as it is to read about that, and as much of an impact it plays on my mind, I know, that I cannot look away. You can’t look away from the things that stir your soul.

My love, this is just one of the gifts that you have given me.

I love you so incredibly much and am grateful for the gifts you continue to bestow upon my life.

XOXO

Anniversary Approaching Part 2

My love, the second year of us being apart in the physical form is almost here. The second anniversary, of the best and worst day of my life. The best, because I had one more day with you. The worst, because it was the day you left my side, in the physical realm. I don’t cry every day anymore, but I remember you, every day. The beautiful gifts that you brought into my life, with your sweetness, your big heart, your simplicity. I miss you so much, and I don’t think that I will ever stop missing you. My life is different now, but I promise you, that you will always have a place in it. Every day, I honor you and share the love that you gave me with those that need it the most. Thank you, for making me the person I am today.

Bunny

Last night, I slept with your bunny. I hadn’t slept with him in a while. When I held him close, it felt warm, secure, instantly familiar. This morning, when I awoke, your bunny was there. I put him on top of my pillow. He looked alive, fluffed up, and happy. Just the way that I like to remember you.

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Your Love for Someone will Never be Measured in Facebook Comments

Let me start by saying, that I only go on Facebook for work these days, as I manage our social media. The shitty thing is that you have to connect a personal account in order to be able to manage the work account. So, usually I’ll see one top comment or post in my feed by default, before switching over to work.

Yesterday, at the top of my feed, I saw a recent post from an old co-worker/friend, someone that I hadn’t talked to in years. He had a heartbreaking post about his dog, who I had met and spent time with when we hung out years ago, who was suffering and reaching the end of her life. For some reason, I was instantly moved and connected by reading about this. There someone else was, standing on the edge of what I once had, with a furbaby about to cross the rainbow bridge, and my heart was open and heavy reading, reliving, and having dark daydreams.

I wrote a heartfelt comment on his post, and then remembered back to when I had done the same. On the brink of everything changing, I remember too, posting on Facebook. Measuring the love, pain, and affection by the number of sad and heart emojis and comments. Only X amount of comments? My love and pain exceeded far beyond that. Your love for someone will never be measured in Facebook comments, likes, whatever the fuck they have going on.

Shortly after, I gave up Facebook. Dismayed by the fakeness of people saying, “Oh, I’m here if you want to talk.” And then, silence. Am I reciprocating what I experienced to my friend? Am I just going to disappear? No, I won’t. At the very least I can share remember me Monday, where you light a candle in honor of your lost furry friend. But what after that? I don’t know, and I’m not sure that I have to figure that out right now. All that I do know, is that my heart has been forever changed with the loss of my best furry friend. And buddy, I’ll never forget you. And old-friend, this is going to be one of the hardest things that you ever go through, but I promise you, your special love you share will never die.

The Greatest Discovery

The greatest discovery of my year has been that true, pure, love with an open heart, doesn’t fade away. If anything, it grows stronger. Every day, I think about Monkey, and every day, I have love in my heart for him. I think of him fondly, wishing that he was still by my side, being my faithful companion. Sometimes, I feel a tug on my heart, and I know that it’s him. Living a life without him was something that I couldn’t bear to do… it was something that I was forced to do. I resisted for so long, of giving into a life without him… how could I ever betray him like that? What changed… is the pure suffering I had in my heart. Resisting, this new life without him. Finding a way to incorporate a new way of living with him, and continuing to love him, has been, very helpful for me. Often times, I will kiss his picture before leaving the house, and I am blessed to continue to have his love in my heart… for all time.

3/56

With our new kitty turning 6 months old, I was curious what that is in human years. Was he a teen? According to catyearschart.com, he is more of a toddler at the equivalent of 3 human years old. But then I scrolled down… What would the equivalent of 10 cat years be… And the number stared back at me coldly. 56. 56 human years. A swell of muted grief overcame me… That’s too young to die… That’s too young. Thoughts like these can spirals into darkness quickly. Instead I choose to shift, that in my heart, you’ll live forever.

Monday Pet Loss Candle Ceremony

Monkey, everyday, I promise to love and honor you, however on Mondays, I am honored to light a candle for you, honoring your love & continued light that you bring to my life, each & every day.

I first learned about the Monday Pet Loss Candle Ceremony when I came across the website, Petloss.com. On Monday evenings all across the globe, us pet parents light candles in memory of our loved animal companions. While we all light our candles in our own way, and privately, we are all united because we share a common love for our dear animal companions and we are joined in love and in spirit.

If you choose to join the Ceremony’s chat room (which I haven’t done yet before) it starts at 6 PM. For me, 6 PM is a special time for honoring Monkey, as that was his dinner time… 6 PM on the dot, he would start meowing and asking for food. I loved his predictability.

Setting aside this time to remember, fills my heart with love. Seeing the light of the flame of the candle dance and flicker, reminds me that his energy is still here, brightening my soul.

I encourage you to try this one Monday night, for your loved animal companion. Do it your way, in your style, in whatever fashion makes your heart warmed and a feeling of closeness to your furbaby. For me, I like to light a candle near a picture of Monkey, and say something brief, yet inspirational, honoring our special bond. Since adopting a new kitty, I had to stop lighting a real candle. The LED flameless candles work well for this 🙂

Here’s a direct link to the Candle Ceremony information page: http://www.mondaycandleceremony.com/.